Two "Van Helsing" reviews at AICN
Mar. 12th, 2004 11:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
retro_eidas*************************
From AICN:
A pair of VAN HELSING reviews... sadly - they aren't sunshine and roses...
Hey folks, Harry here... See, here we go... the first screening of VAN HELSING and the problem is? Tonal inconsistencies. This was evident from the beginning with the script. The big problem is that Universal is selling the film as a serious badass VAN HELSING flick, and what they're going to deliver is Velveeta. I like Velveeta - I prefer European Cheeses, but the plastic in Velveeta makes it look like a prettier grilled cheese sandwich, though I'm not real sure if there's any real cheese in it. That being said, this is early in the process, though not too early... the film is about a month and a half away, and the pacing concerns and tone issues... it might be too much to get a hold of in the spare amount of time left. And I have to say, Flying Vampire Mini-Babies might be the funniest fucked up movie concept of the year. Btw, Robogeek just asked me why they are Flying Vampire Mini-Babies... if they're smaller than regular Flying Vampire Babies... My thoughts... Maybe they are FLYING VAMPIRE FETUSES! THAT WOULD ROCK BALLS!!! Here ya go, minor spoilers follow...
H Harry,
I’m a long time reader, first time contributor. Tonight I attended what we were told was the first-ever test screening for Van Helsing. I must admit that I have been looking forward to this movie for some time, as monsters plus Hugh Jackman equals about as much of a sure-fire hit as you can get….right? Sorry to disappoint, but this one misses the mark. No real need to recap the story (Van Helsing hunting monsters) so here’s a MINOR SPOILER breakdown of what we saw:
A very promising start with a great black & white sequence that introduces Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster.
A fairly good color introduction to the Wolfman and the heroine Anna (Kate Beckinsale).
An acceptable Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) introduction with him dispatching a pretty lame Jekyll/Hyde.
Are you catching the downward trend here? But I digress, we also have:
Van Helsing swinging around on a trapeze above a costume ball, and no I’m not kidding.
Richard Roxburgh as a really good “human” Dracula – as opposed to the CG Dracula which was rather lame.
Evil midget henchmen – almost as retarded as the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns.
Cool werewolf transformations – check
Cool design for Frankenstein’s monster - check
Three hot vampire brides - check, check and check
Thousands of flying mini-vampire babies – almost as retarded as the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns.
The ending was positively frightful, but unfortunately not the way they wanted. Here’s the MAJOR SPOILER finale:
Frankenstein’s monster swinging on cables around Dracula’s castle for about five minutes.
Anna swinging around on the same cables for a few minutes later – one-handed of course while catching a needle of anti-werewolf juice.
Van Helsing with a mysterious backstory that is never really developed – i.e. Why does he not remember anything from his past? How did he end up at the church that took him in? Apparently Van Helsing knew Dracula back when he was human, does that mean Van Helsing is hundreds of years old too? I just saw the movie yet I have no idea…
Major Spoilers! MAJOR SPOILERS! (Highlight to read)
Van Helsing getting bit by a werewolf and then becoming a werewolf himself – the only real twist in the film.
A truly ridiculous post-transformation nude shot of Van Helsing as he holds his dead sort-of-girlfriend – someone please raise the money to put some CG pants on Hugh.
About five minutes of sappy wrap-up with Van Helsing watching Anna and her dead family happily in heaven amid the clouds – almost as retarded as the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns.
To be fair, this was truly a work-in-progress as several major effects sequences were far from finished and the majority of the music was from The Lord of the Rings, so they thankfully still have time to make changes. Still, my advice is to adjust your expectations and you probably won’t get hurt too badly.
If you post this, call me Arizona Jones.
this is all echoed below in this review too...
Hey Harry, Long time reader, well you know the rest. I just got back from seeing a screening of Universal's upcoming Van Helsing at Arizona Mills 24 in Tempe, Az. Oh and Stephen Sommers was in attendance as well.
I do not want to give too much away, so I'll try to give you the jist without spoilers. First off, the movie starts with a cool raiding scene at a castle by local villagers to kill the dreaded Monster created by Dr.Frankenstein, which by the way is an atmospheric black and white sequence. The rest of the film falls apart from there.
For some reason Van Helsing in the film is supposedly linked to Drac's past and the whole motivation by the character is never really revealed. Their is also a subplot with Kate Beckinsale's brother and father that is barely touched upon. Oh and there is a little sidekick by Faramir from LOTR, which was a cross between C-3PO and the monk from the 5th element.
Basically the movie felt choppy and we were told we were the first audience to ever see this movie. I really think Universal could have had a real gem on their hand if they had the right director. I also felt alot of shots were very reminiscent of Harry Potter and LOTR, hell they even used it as a temp track!I didn't buy the characters, the guy who played Drac was like the poor man's Gary Oldman, the plot is soooo convuluted beyond belief and the ending was extremely cheesy to boot!!
Every actor did the best they could do with the material, but in the end the movie just felt like a cool plane ride that never really got off the ground.
If you use this call me Gonickyourself!!!
*************************
Now when they're talking about gratuitous NEKKID Hugh, I assume they mean he's more than just shirtless as we've been seeing in the trailers and many a VH icon.
The movie could be two hours of shitstorm CGI, hammy acting and dialogue that would make the baby Jesus cry... but nekkid Hugh? Kate Beckinsale's character (presumedly) dies at the end? NEKKID (angsty) HUGH. Fuck CG pants! This is the best. movie. ever.
From AICN:
A pair of VAN HELSING reviews... sadly - they aren't sunshine and roses...
Hey folks, Harry here... See, here we go... the first screening of VAN HELSING and the problem is? Tonal inconsistencies. This was evident from the beginning with the script. The big problem is that Universal is selling the film as a serious badass VAN HELSING flick, and what they're going to deliver is Velveeta. I like Velveeta - I prefer European Cheeses, but the plastic in Velveeta makes it look like a prettier grilled cheese sandwich, though I'm not real sure if there's any real cheese in it. That being said, this is early in the process, though not too early... the film is about a month and a half away, and the pacing concerns and tone issues... it might be too much to get a hold of in the spare amount of time left. And I have to say, Flying Vampire Mini-Babies might be the funniest fucked up movie concept of the year. Btw, Robogeek just asked me why they are Flying Vampire Mini-Babies... if they're smaller than regular Flying Vampire Babies... My thoughts... Maybe they are FLYING VAMPIRE FETUSES! THAT WOULD ROCK BALLS!!! Here ya go, minor spoilers follow...
H Harry,
I’m a long time reader, first time contributor. Tonight I attended what we were told was the first-ever test screening for Van Helsing. I must admit that I have been looking forward to this movie for some time, as monsters plus Hugh Jackman equals about as much of a sure-fire hit as you can get….right? Sorry to disappoint, but this one misses the mark. No real need to recap the story (Van Helsing hunting monsters) so here’s a MINOR SPOILER breakdown of what we saw:
A very promising start with a great black & white sequence that introduces Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster.
A fairly good color introduction to the Wolfman and the heroine Anna (Kate Beckinsale).
An acceptable Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) introduction with him dispatching a pretty lame Jekyll/Hyde.
Are you catching the downward trend here? But I digress, we also have:
Van Helsing swinging around on a trapeze above a costume ball, and no I’m not kidding.
Richard Roxburgh as a really good “human” Dracula – as opposed to the CG Dracula which was rather lame.
Evil midget henchmen – almost as retarded as the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns.
Cool werewolf transformations – check
Cool design for Frankenstein’s monster - check
Three hot vampire brides - check, check and check
Thousands of flying mini-vampire babies – almost as retarded as the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns.
The ending was positively frightful, but unfortunately not the way they wanted. Here’s the MAJOR SPOILER finale:
Frankenstein’s monster swinging on cables around Dracula’s castle for about five minutes.
Anna swinging around on the same cables for a few minutes later – one-handed of course while catching a needle of anti-werewolf juice.
Van Helsing with a mysterious backstory that is never really developed – i.e. Why does he not remember anything from his past? How did he end up at the church that took him in? Apparently Van Helsing knew Dracula back when he was human, does that mean Van Helsing is hundreds of years old too? I just saw the movie yet I have no idea…
Major Spoilers! MAJOR SPOILERS! (Highlight to read)
Van Helsing getting bit by a werewolf and then becoming a werewolf himself – the only real twist in the film.
A truly ridiculous post-transformation nude shot of Van Helsing as he holds his dead sort-of-girlfriend – someone please raise the money to put some CG pants on Hugh.
About five minutes of sappy wrap-up with Van Helsing watching Anna and her dead family happily in heaven amid the clouds – almost as retarded as the pygmy mummies in The Mummy Returns.
To be fair, this was truly a work-in-progress as several major effects sequences were far from finished and the majority of the music was from The Lord of the Rings, so they thankfully still have time to make changes. Still, my advice is to adjust your expectations and you probably won’t get hurt too badly.
If you post this, call me Arizona Jones.
this is all echoed below in this review too...
Hey Harry, Long time reader, well you know the rest. I just got back from seeing a screening of Universal's upcoming Van Helsing at Arizona Mills 24 in Tempe, Az. Oh and Stephen Sommers was in attendance as well.
I do not want to give too much away, so I'll try to give you the jist without spoilers. First off, the movie starts with a cool raiding scene at a castle by local villagers to kill the dreaded Monster created by Dr.Frankenstein, which by the way is an atmospheric black and white sequence. The rest of the film falls apart from there.
For some reason Van Helsing in the film is supposedly linked to Drac's past and the whole motivation by the character is never really revealed. Their is also a subplot with Kate Beckinsale's brother and father that is barely touched upon. Oh and there is a little sidekick by Faramir from LOTR, which was a cross between C-3PO and the monk from the 5th element.
Basically the movie felt choppy and we were told we were the first audience to ever see this movie. I really think Universal could have had a real gem on their hand if they had the right director. I also felt alot of shots were very reminiscent of Harry Potter and LOTR, hell they even used it as a temp track!I didn't buy the characters, the guy who played Drac was like the poor man's Gary Oldman, the plot is soooo convuluted beyond belief and the ending was extremely cheesy to boot!!
Every actor did the best they could do with the material, but in the end the movie just felt like a cool plane ride that never really got off the ground.
If you use this call me Gonickyourself!!!
*************************
Now when they're talking about gratuitous NEKKID Hugh, I assume they mean he's more than just shirtless as we've been seeing in the trailers and many a VH icon.
The movie could be two hours of shitstorm CGI, hammy acting and dialogue that would make the baby Jesus cry... but nekkid Hugh? Kate Beckinsale's character (presumedly) dies at the end? NEKKID (angsty) HUGH. Fuck CG pants! This is the best. movie. ever.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-03-12 07:26 pm (UTC)*ahem*
I am still looking forward to this. Frankly, as some others have said, using the word "retarded" just seems off to me. So what? I never expected this to be the most brilliant piece of artwork on the planet. I think it'll be a fun ride. I have doubts on Hellboy though. The trailer playing asmost continuously on Cartoon network gives me a deja vu feeling....like LXG redux.
In the end, it'll probably make a good deal of money, and folks will go to see it anyway.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-13 01:05 am (UTC)I'm not sure what they were expecting, but word on expecting this to *not* be one of the most brilliant pieces of work on the planet. However, I'm not expecting movies even like "X-Men" to be the most brilliant movies ever. I do think there's a scale of how much "retarded" one can tolerate even in summer movies. "X2" didn't win any Oscars, but I do think that's a *vastly* better movie than something like, for example, "The Scorpion King". So the question is, will "Van Helsing" and/or "Hellboy" fall closer to X2 or "The Scorpion King"?
Of course, you can watch movies for a lot of reasons. VH can be the biggest dungheap of the summer, but it's still has and will have a ginormous perk in it - at least for me since I think Hugh is godly in his hotness - for the shirtless/nekkid Hugh factor. Although, I probably wouldn't sit through "Swordfish" again, even if you paid me. Just sayin'.
I have doubts on Hellboy though. The trailer playing asmost continuously on Cartoon network gives me a deja vu feeling....like LXG redux.
I'm not so much worried about "Hellboy" in regards to the trailer. It's the date it's coming out. April 2? That's *really* early for a summer release. Sony either felt this movie can't compete with the other summer fare so they're pushing it way ahead of everything else or they wanted to get a *really* early jump on the summer prior their other superhero movie ("Spider-Man 2") taking all the glory.
I'm not necessarily saying "Van Helsing" might be the better summer movie because it's actually coming out in the summer. After all, Universal thought "Hulk" was some serious competition too.
And I don't even know why I rambled on so much in this... I know I'm seeing both, regardless of the reviews. I'm a summer action movie whore like that.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-13 02:15 pm (UTC)And I've never seen Scorpion King. I just hate the Rock. Avoid him like the plague actually. Was it really as bad as everyone says? I hope VH is closer to X2.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-13 05:37 pm (UTC)I can't believe he's trying to sell himself as a dramatic actor these days. Have you seen trailers for that movie "Walking Tall"? I didn't like that movie when it was called "A Man Apart".
Was it really as bad as everyone says?
Unintentionally funny "bad". Just horrendous.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-13 07:01 pm (UTC)I am so glad I didn't see Scorpion King. Phew! Although now that I know it was a train wreck, I may tune in and giggle at it, and hurl derisive comments. Drives the hub nuts. Tee hee.....
no subject
Date: 2004-03-13 05:03 pm (UTC)Well, in the case I were still doubting about watching this movie, this convinced me to. I love cheese, but Velveeta is my favorite, heh heh. I know it doesn't taste like real cheese, but it has a wonderful flavor on its own. And I like movies like that. I don't care how artistic or award-winning they are, if they entertain me, I like them.
Although I'm not much for watching movies with too much special effects like this one's going to be. I only watched the first of HP and didn't like it much. Haven't seen any Matrix movie. Didn't watch LXG. Or Hulk. Or Spiderman. It's actually a surprise I liked X-Men so much, because I'm not into these kinds of movies too much. But maybe VH will do the trick as well (I know that nekkid Hugh scene will be just worth it ;))
no subject
Date: 2004-03-13 05:58 pm (UTC)You're not the only one. I have both the current HP movies on DVD, because it's written in Potter fandom law somewhere I had to get them. I think they're kind of cute, but I've *never* liked Chris "Home Alone" Columbus. He's a total hack. Which is why I cried sweet fangirly tears when I found out Alfonso Cuaron was going to direct PoA. Not only my favorite HP book, but Alfonso? Mein gott. They did a total creative 180. The guy who directed "A Little Princess", YTMT and "Solo con tu pareja" was going to direct PoA? Love. him.
Haven't seen any Matrix movie. Didn't watch LXG. Or Hulk. Or Spiderman.
For me, "Spiderman" is the most salvagable in that list, but even then I don't think you're missing out on much. If they really wanted me to buy into the Mary Jane / Peter Parker thing, they should have hired an actress who had a little chemistry with Maguire. I think Pete has more chemistry with Harry Osborne (James Franco's character) then he has with MJ.
It's actually a surprise I liked X-Men so much
The X-Men movies aren't only good action movies, they're surprisingly character driven too (without it getting boring like "The Hulk"). The actors also play well off each other (explains why there's so much slash fic as well as other fic written about movieverse X-M ;). Top that off with Hugh's oh so hot Wolvie? Eye candy, good casting, good story and good action. Only if all superhero movies could be like X-Men.
that nekkid Hugh scene will be just worth it ;)
I'm just really curious on what the reactions are going to be like in my audience when Hugh rips that shirt off (and/or shows up nekkid). I know my roommate will probably be whistling. She did it in X2 when Wolverine was running down the hallway. Funny thing is, she wasn't the only one whistling/hollering.